Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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