Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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