His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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