apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
