I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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