we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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