you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
