I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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