Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
