my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
