is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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