I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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