we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
