Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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