I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
