Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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