Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
