I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I forgot wine drunk hurts
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
