Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
