You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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