OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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