if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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