My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
