2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
