I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
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his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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