he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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