I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
