hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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