:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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