my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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