I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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