Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
