she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
