dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
