it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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