I faked an abortion last night.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
