you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
