JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
