at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
