Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
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he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
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I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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