I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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