i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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