his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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