How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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