It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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