I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
