If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
