About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
