I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
