I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
