she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
