I will die if light touches me.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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