wanna go halves on a baby?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
