I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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