And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She's not a foreskin expert like you
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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