Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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