I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
