so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
