you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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