I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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