I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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