I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
